| I honestly don't expect anyone to read this...mostly because not many people still use xanga. I'm just doing this to sort out my feelings, so feel free to skim, or even disregard entirely. Not that you need my permission, I'm just sayin'...
I guess the biggest problem is I tell him exactly what to do...and then he does it. But, since I had to tell him to do it, it doesn't mean as much. And...I still hate his parents. I'm working on it, but I still hate them. He understands, he agrees, but that doesn't change how I feel. We're not going to break up, so that scare is over, it just still hurts that after everything we've been through, we can still fight like that. We can still say, "It's just not worth it" and walk away. I'll always be there, doing things for him I'd rather not do, like going to Spamalot. And I do those things selfishly. I say, "I do it because I love you" but I really do it so he'll remember that I did it, so maybe he'll love me more. Maybe when we're fighting he'll remember how much I give, and then I'll be able to receive. That's terrible. I'm working on that, too. I remember what it was like when we were happy...we're trying so hard, but I don't know if it'll work. His parents hurt me. I mean, really. I'm trying to forgive, it's just not happening fast enough for him. And he knows I'm trying, and he knows he's being impatient. I don't want to lose him. We've been together for so long, I forgot what it's like to not have him there. This summer's going to be hard, even though I'm SO proud of him, it's still going to be hard. But it would be even harder if we weren't together emotionally.
I'm pretty sure I'll never like his parents. He's not happy with my goal, which is to get to where I can be in the same room with them without wanting to cause myself bodily harm. He says my goal needs to be to like them. He's right, I know that. I'm just being realistic. But I guess sometimes you can't be realistic, you need to be loving. You need to hope. You need to hold on to what little forgiveness and compassion you have left within you. And I know that. It's just not that easy. But I suppose if I start telling myself it is easy, and I'm just not trying, it'll be easy. I guess I'll try that. Moral of the story...I love Daniel. I want what I've always wanted: For that to be enough. I just hope this isn't one of those times when love just can't conquer hate. I don't want to hate. God doesn't hate me. God forgave me. Jesus showed us an example.... I guess it's time I started following it.
|
| |
| just in case anyone's curious...its been 1311 days since i joined xanga. and i'm doing spring sing. its april....something. if you wanna come see me and daniel make fools of ourselves, i'll let you know the date. but its at harding....where the sinners are....
|
| |
| And in reference to Lauren's reference to my reference to her reference...at least I have a legitimate major, I don't just draw. And also, at least I can draw a cube. And you're right, I do smell. I smell great, like spring time.
|
| |
| It's more like Lauren's paying my parents for the privilege of living with me...
This message is in reference to Lauren "Stupid-face" Bearden's Xanga and in no way reflects the views or opinions of the owner of this website... |
| |
| To: Anyone who still reads Xanga.
From: Me
So I'm at Harding, and Lauren is my roommate(she's a loser..heehee). Classes tomorrow...and I'm actually excited.... |
| |
